The Change

February 19, 2013

I wore my green dress to the clinic that day.  My Doctor’s secretary called and asked me to return, “it was about my biopsy”.  Ever since my operation each doctor who had personally seen my “myoma” claimed that it has showed all the morphological aspect of a benign biopsy. My OB-Gyne has given us her final words as to what to expect on my last day prior to discharge.  She was energetic in even mentioning the abstinence memo since we were planning to have another child by 2014.

Her tone was different on that day. She looked stern; her usual perky voice seemed calmer.  I went in ahead of OJ, he bought Shumi fries and I was left carrying the stuffed toy pink “Love-a-Lot” Carebear.  She was grim when she started her sentence with the word “shock”.  It only took one word to tell me that all my fears, all my dreams, all our plans has changed.

OJ found me sobbing my face in the Carebear in front of the doctor.  He sat beside me and took control of the situation.

The biopsy reported an occurrence of a certain malignancy. We had to have another confirmatory test (CD10) if it was indeed one.  Everything was too much for me to take. It will take a week to receive the results of the test and we have a 50% chance of receiving a negative result.  WE were banking on this one. I was too young. I was too healthy. I was not ready.

February 27, 2013

Starting Monday, February 25, 2013 I have been calling the hospital if the results were already available.  I was informed that the result may be ready on Wednesday.  I was stubborn and called again on Tuesday.  They mentioned that the slide was read that day but the signature of the pathologist was still pending.  I was so anxious on this Wednesday morning; I started making my calls early around 10am.  The receptionist at the Histopath section acknowledges that my result was ready for release. I called the Doctor’s clinic at 11:00AM to pick-up the result in our behalf.  They had advised me to wait for their call. Every hour that passed was pure agony.  Until 3:23pm.

I was confirmed and diagnosed with Low Grade ESS (Endometrial Stromal Sarcoma). It is a rare aggressive connective tissue malignancy arising from the uterus. The data for this disease is limited since the rarity of it is not an exaggeration. I am part of the 1 to 2 individual per million women to be diagnosed of this illness per year.  It poorly responds to chemotherapy and the only way of assuring my prolonged survival is to undergo another operation that broke my heart even more.

I was advised to meet with another doctor who is a specialist (Gyne-Oncologist). He explained to us what were the steps to be taken may it be physically, emotionally and financially.  Basing from the guidelines the only way to address my illness is to have total abdominal hysterectomy and salpingo-ophorectomy.  This means removing the whole of my female reproductive organ and sampling my lymphnodes.  I glanced at my husband and knew he also felt the pain of not having another child.

Today

Each day that passes poses a threat of cancer to spread in my body.  We are just waiting for the go signal from our health insurance then we can schedule my upcoming operation.

Each day that passes I am left speechless, but my sobs and cries accompany me until I get too tired and eventually fall asleep.

Each day that passes I cherish my time with my family. Each conversation I have with my Mom, Sister, In-laws, best friends means so much more.

Each day that passes I thank God. For every time I feel hungry and thirsty, for moments that I can make my daughter laugh, for each time I held my husband’s hand… for every single time I breath.

I was very hesitant in coming up with this entry as I am afraid that I will be judged.    I am afraid that people may treat me differently. But I have come to realize that this is not a death sentence. It is a choice on how I will live this life or what remains of it. I have accepted it and must now move on and deal with it positively.

I choose to live in love. I choose to live happy. I choose to live in God.

I thank my family and friends who are aware of my condition, your support and love gives me strength. My work who has been very understanding.  To those who prayed for me without asking why.

Most of all I would like to thank my daughter and husband. OJ, it means so much to me when you held me tight and assured me that nothing will change. You are the love of my life.

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2 thoughts on “The Change

  1. Faye, boy are you strong! I admire you for your faith and for your strength, given your situation, I would most likely handle it far differently from you. I love the lines: “I choose to live in love. I choose to live happy. I choose to live in God.” and “To those who prayed for me without asking why.”

    Rest assured that we (all the other n@wies included) will be praying for you. Thank you for inspiring me to choose to live in love, to choose to live happy and to choose to live in God. I hope I’ll be able to do the same each day. *hugs* and God bless!

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